apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
