i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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