just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
