addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
