remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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