YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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