I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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