Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
