brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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