I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
