Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
