So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
