i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
