The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
