great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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