But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
