when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
