literally had 100 drinks last night.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
