i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
