fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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