The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
