pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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