I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
