WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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