That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
