I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
