People in love make me want to vomit
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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