The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
