She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
