Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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