if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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