i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Pooping to opera.
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