I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
