Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
