I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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