There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You are the jesus of drinking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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