My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
