She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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