she was so not down for the gang bang
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
