Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
