Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Help me help you realize you are a moron
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
