My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
