I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize