apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
