I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
