Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
