I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
