I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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