true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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