i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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