i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
