I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
