This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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