My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
