chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
