Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
