I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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