I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
