It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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