I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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