Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
