He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this boner is exhausting
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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