Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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