Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
